The Inescapable Nightmare Hell

I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia).

Who am I?

I don't know.

I've not truly known myself for many years now, and perhaps I'll never know.

Leaving our apartment, even for simple quick little things like laundry or trash has become a nightmare for me. And so I don't do it. My social anxiety has pretty much destroyed my life in this little Canadian town, where I've been living for over two years, and I hate myself. It only takes one person in any given social situation to set the inescapable nightmare hell, my life most surely is, in motion.

More often than not--when my anxiety becomes unbearable--my anger surfaces. Sometimes it just trickles out. Other times I explode. At times those on the receiving end deserve it, sometimes not, or not so much.

I hate myself right now. I hate myself yesterday, today and tomorrow. Never-ending. Almost every area of my life has become unbearable. They all hate me. They don't understand. I try to love, but end up hating, just like them.

Suicide? The thought does cross my mind often. What a relief it would be to end it all right now. But I'm not about to kill myself. Not yet, and hopefully not ever. I feel I need to stress that, just to reassure you, this isn't a suicide note. Just how I feel, yer' know?

I'm not sure if blogging about my inability to function in a social situation will help or not. Part of me is worrying "why throw myself into another social nightmare?" Just because I'm online it doesn't make my social anxiety any easier (aside, the fact that I'm actually communicating my innermost self). After a while it will surely drag me down. I hope not though.

Ah, well there it is. My first post.