Procrastination, Consistency and Self-Medication

So far, this week has been an interesting one. I've spent most of my time watching (and subscribing) to a lot of Social Anxiety sufferers on YouTube. As a result, I've felt less alone in my condition. Perhaps, in the long run, it will help me to work at overcoming my anxiety. Although, currently I'm procrastinating a hell of a lot in regard to other aspects of my life, including treating my anxiety and desiring to overcome it.

I'm just living with it at the moment, drinking alcohol and taking 'unconventional' drugs (on top of taking fluoxetine/Prozac, which I'm not sure is really helping), to provide some instant relief from the intolerable symptoms I experience on a constant basis. I realize I can't go one like that for ever, though.

Due to circumstances this past month, I've been relying more on alcohol to cope, as I have been forced to socialize more than usual and way beyond my capability. Also I ran out of my favourite self-medication three weeks ago. Hopefully I'll be able to at least get some Diazepam/Valium tomorrow.

I don't like drinking alcohol when alone. Plus it has a debilitating effect, preventing me from engaging in other activities, such as studying and various creative pursuits.

So, for the moment, I'm just trying to cope. Social Anxiety constantly disrupts my ability to develop and maintain a consistent routine, such as daily meditation or practising Cognative Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

My (ex) therapist told me that if circumstances have become so intolerable that the only option is to actively work at overcoming SA, then I should be able to do just that. But I'm unable to do so. Does this mean that I'm happy to go on living this way? Not exactly, but there are so many obstacles and unforeseen anxiety producing events, that constantly facing my illness head-on is impossible. I know what I need to do, but the symptoms themselves prevent me from doing it. Implying that I need to be more self-disciplined is unhelpful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

I've made a discovery concerning my condition, and it goes by the name of Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD/APD for short).

I've labelled myself as having Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD/SA) for a few years, and have been professionally diagnosed as having SAD, but AvPD really hits the nail on the head.

The essential feature of avoidant personality disorder is pervasive social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to being negatively evaluated. Individuals with AvPD avoid work or school activities that involve significant interpersonal contact. They fear criticism, disapproval, or rejection. They frequently describe social and occupational problems and are rarely able to develop a strong social network that can help them in personal crises (DSM-IV-TR).

2004, 'Treating co-occurring disorders: a handbook for mental health and substance abuse professionals', p.73 (Haworth Press)

So, Sufferers of Social Anxiety/Social Phobia do not necessarily suffer from these things?

I certainly do.

In fact, I 100% fit the criteria for AvPD given in both The ICD-10 Classification of Mental and Behavioral Disorders World Health Organization, Geneva, 1992 (F60.6 Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder, and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR)) (See also Diagnostic Criteria).

To see "the essential feature['s]" of my mental illness grouped together like that is quite a revelation!

The Inescapable Nightmare Hell

I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia).

Who am I?

I don't know.

I've not truly known myself for many years now, and perhaps I'll never know.

Leaving our apartment, even for simple quick little things like laundry or trash has become a nightmare for me. And so I don't do it. My social anxiety has pretty much destroyed my life in this little Canadian town, where I've been living for over two years, and I hate myself. It only takes one person in any given social situation to set the inescapable nightmare hell, my life most surely is, in motion.

More often than not--when my anxiety becomes unbearable--my anger surfaces. Sometimes it just trickles out. Other times I explode. At times those on the receiving end deserve it, sometimes not, or not so much.

I hate myself right now. I hate myself yesterday, today and tomorrow. Never-ending. Almost every area of my life has become unbearable. They all hate me. They don't understand. I try to love, but end up hating, just like them.

Suicide? The thought does cross my mind often. What a relief it would be to end it all right now. But I'm not about to kill myself. Not yet, and hopefully not ever. I feel I need to stress that, just to reassure you, this isn't a suicide note. Just how I feel, yer' know?

I'm not sure if blogging about my inability to function in a social situation will help or not. Part of me is worrying "why throw myself into another social nightmare?" Just because I'm online it doesn't make my social anxiety any easier (aside, the fact that I'm actually communicating my innermost self). After a while it will surely drag me down. I hope not though.

Ah, well there it is. My first post.